Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
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Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
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Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that