restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
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Kids, do not try this at home!
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Breaking news:
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it