Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
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A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries