Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
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I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
My Guy
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money