Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
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Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.