“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
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Just a reminder, folks:
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect