In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
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Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*