There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
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i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.