I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
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Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”