Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
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Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Y’all know who you are.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on