Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
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a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
secret recipe
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches