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6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”