The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.