A family that plays together cheats.
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Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Just had my nails done!
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I have a new favorite meme page
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement