I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
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Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”