Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
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Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners