Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
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So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
#StillHurts
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
did it work
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM