if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
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I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…