if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
You Might Also Like
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.