I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
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Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
getting groceries
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I’m good, thanks.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack