My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
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Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Not all heroes wear capes.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30