I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
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You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways