Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
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I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.