“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
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[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
giddy up Office Depot
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now