I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
i have never needed anything in my life more than this