Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
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I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me: