[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
You’ll be OK
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!