Holy shit he’s back
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We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏