I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
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It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD