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Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“HELP WITH CAT”
is it earth
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.