I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
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i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers