COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
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If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Lmfaoooooo
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.