me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
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All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.