Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.