HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
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HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
What the hell happened here.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college