hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
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Money is the root of all wealth
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.