The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
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Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Storm Tropical Storm
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.