Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
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Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I have two kinds of followers
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
just make the entire table out of coaster
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch