all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
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I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
the three genders
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
*has no idea what a book even is*
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨