“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
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Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Pikachu found the lost joint
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*