Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
You Might Also Like
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you