Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
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Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.