Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
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my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72