[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
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how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Webb. James Webb.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.