JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
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Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
We have a winner.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.