Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
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My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly