I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
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straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel