My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
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Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever