If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
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I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him