Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
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*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually